Sponsorship After Step Work

Continuing Sponsorship In Stable Sobriety

Now that we've worked our way through the worst part of our disease, let's make sure to enjoy the good stuff!

Few AA's entered into the step work which ultimately prepared them for sobriety as a casual hobby. In fact, experienced AA members can remember the gravity of selecting that first sponsor and actually making the first efforts at our 12 step program of recovery. In most cases, those were desperate days filled with both the crushing realization of both how serious our situation had become and what spectacular new possibilities -- and life-saving hope -- we encountered as we became more familiar with the solutions AA offered to people like us. 

However, after accompanying a new member through the work of the 12 steps to a stable and dependable new sober life, the sincere sponsor must emphasize that the Disease of Alcoholism continues. It is no secret for any AA who regularly attends our meetings that many of the most destructive aspects of our disease don't simply "fade away" once the compulsive alcoholic drinking has ceased. 

Based on this understanding, the full task of sponsorship which began with the new member's first attendance at AA meetings must continue to provide benefits even after those initial obstacles -- especially drinking, but also all the other aspects of the disease -- have been successfully addressed in step work. The weekly meetings which were the essential fabric of step work should continue in a way which can "fine tune" the new member's recently accomplished sobriety into a fully satisfying and effective on-going recovery. 

That is precisely what is printed on the first page of our basic text. "The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism." Sponsorship which targets anything less clouds its own reliability. This "cloud" includes the sponsor who simply abandons his charge when the 12 steps have been "completed" to rush ahead to his next sponsorship.

Recognizing the Spiritual Friendship 
in AA Sponsorship 

For many of us -- including this author -- the unusual, new relationship AA proposed between the new member and his sponsor represented an awkward and threatening departure from what had been experienced previously. Almost every facet of AA's sponsee sponsor arrangement went against what we had come to expect based on the acquaintances we had accumulated during our drinking histories. The more severe our alcoholic disease had become, the more dismal and discouraging the "friends" we had attracted turned out to be. 

Given this common experience, how could a committed AA sponsor emerge from the experience of "shepherding" the new member through all the work of the 12 steps without realizing what an immensely personal relation had developed during the process? In the most basic sense, that relation is evidence of AA's determination to assist new alcoholics in their search for sobriety. However, in an equally important sense, both sponsor and sponsee should realize that a bright new possibility for a remarkable friendship has also unfolded during the same time as step work proceeded. 

It is no exaggeration that, aside from the obvious benefits of the step work undertaken, the sponsor may have introduced a new and reassuring idea about the possibilities of true friendship. Further, the new member's perception of this remarkable development should be fully explored, that is, clearly defined as an example of still more of the bright rewards which will become the daily possibilities in his new life. 

Once in a calmer, more stable state of mind and spirit, many AA's finally "get around" to concluding that this first, brave sponsor was the first real friendship they had enjoyed for a long time. For this author, that first sponsor seemed to have literally "fallen from the skies" to stand at my side as I entered into my early, turbulent AA sobriety, always ready, always steadfast and always personal. 

If formal step work can be compared to harvesting the crop, continuing sponsorship afterward -- and the continuing friendship which has been newly revealed in such sponsorship -- can be compared to "gleaning the fallen seed," made famous in the Book of Ruth. Serious sponsors understand that no opportunities are to be neglected when they arise no matter in what phase of the new member's process of transformation they might occur. 

There are Always Two Views 
of AA's Wisdom 

Our Basic Text is filled with important ideas which provide an explanation of our alcoholic dilemma and AA's proposals for our recovery. Interestingly, experienced AA's seem to remain curiously infatuated with almost exclusively applying all this life-saving information about alcoholism to the affairs of the drinker, that is, to providing an ever more persuasive account of the dangerous nature of our alcoholic disease to the shaky, frightened man who has only very recently committed himself to his own sobriety. 

Of course, such efforts in behalf of the newest attendees at our meetings is crucial. We AA's must never overlook our responsibilities to assist these newly "minted" alcoholics in any way possible. After all, how frequently have we heard our fellow AA members begin their sharing at meetings with phrases such as"When I first came to AA, ..." after which introduction, going on to express some highly relevant material for the new member? 

The point here is that perhaps more of these meeting "shares" might be directed at AA experiences after a stable sobriety has been accomplished. "First Step" meetings are the life blood of our efforts to assist these new members, but the man just revived by a blood transfusion in an emergency room can hardly expect that his entire future life will be sustained in the same manner. There is nothing in the sincere sharing of "experience, strength and hope" relating to matters of on-going sobriety which will not also benefit even our newest members. 

The same holds true in the continuing sponsorship unfolding after step work has been accomplished. In fact, important ideas in our Big Book which offered such vital insights to the member only newly sober continue to offer equally valuable insight to the new member after he has reached a more confident and stable sobriety. 

Revisiting those essential ideas of our program as topics in on-going sponsorship meetings can "complete" the important efforts which were begun in step work. The challenges confronted by the newly sobered member as he entered into the unfamiliar realm of sobriety were based on his situation at that time. After he has been sober for a while, after his mental state has cleared a bit, those same challenges will present themselves with new faces. 

Likewise, the meaning and relevance of those important phrases in our Basic Text don't change much simply because the alcoholic is now sober, but the arena in which they will present themselves -- and, the arena where they will be resolved thanks to the benefits of the AA program -- may change a great deal. 

The essential foundation of our program's basic ideas is, actually, quite permanent. However, effectively applying those basic ideas can manifest a clear difference between the earlier time when one was struggling for a new understanding of his alcoholic drinking and behavior and later, when a sober AA is facing somewhat less obvious aspects of the continuing alcoholism in his sober life. 

The Nature of Continuing Sponsorship 
After Step Work 

Successfully meeting these on-going challenges will be the central focus of continuing sponsorship effort after step work. Here, Redux offers a few suggestions describing examples of topics for such on-going sponsorship meetings. Although the possible "life experiences" of newly sober alcoholics vary as much as our diverse membership, several important ideas emerge as central areas where these continuing sponsorship meetings might focus: 

I.  Day by day in his new found sobriety the new member must continue to pay attention to himself. The AA program repeatedly emphasizes that he will find sobriety, once accomplished by his association with our ideas, both exciting and satisfying. The events of any day which seem to fundamentally run counter this proposition need immediate attention. His step work has acquainted him with AA's proposed actions in such times. His spiritual progress has equipped him with the necessary optimism and energy to correct his path. 

II. This idea of "paying attention" to himself defines an even further responsibility. He must be constantly aware of precisely how his sobriety "feels." The admonition presented in the Redux discussion of step 12, that is, the full reconciliation of his instinct for self-preservation coupled with all the implications of his vast, new-found "spiritual awareness," continues to be the "key stone" of his successful recovery. 

His on-going "personal inventory" will certainly be an accounting of his actions, but even more revealing, it will illuminate the nature of his thoughts. The new member knows by this point that alcoholic thinking can lead to consequences almost as serious as a resumption of drinking. The idea of keeping such matters a "dirty little secret" -- even from one's close friend and sponsor -- has to be one of the "old ideas" so thoroughly discredited in the often repeated How It Works. 

The experiences of sponsors strongly suggest that the time to address such alcoholic thinking is RIGHT NOW! In these cases, on-going sponsorship meetings are exactly "what the doctor ordered."Such serious matters can be discussed and resolved before they progress to something worse. 

III. As he meets  the inevitable challenges of his new, sober life, the importance of his being prepared to thoroughly apply what he has learned becomes paramount. Hopefully, his attendance at meetings, his step work and his sponsorship has introduced him to a complete understanding of our program. Now, he faces the task of applying what he has learned to the "facts on the ground." 

Although this seems reasonable enough, his ability to effectively apply AA principles will be dangerously compromised if there remain elements of the program which are incompletely understood or only casually adopted. The new member will encounter great, unnecessary difficulties if the AA program's solutions remain isolated educational issues which are separated from the "real life" challenges of his new sobriety. 

Regardless of his personality, sophistication, age or any other traits, he must be able to "connect" the affairs of his daily life in sobriety with the life saving solutions presented in our program. "Perfect matches" between the accounts of alcoholism penned several decades ago in our Basic Text and what he may be facing today, several decades later, are simply too much to reasonably expect. 

Here, the years of experience available to him in conversations with a sincere sponsor can close the gap. The continuing sponsorship meetings will always present a great place to "sit down and figure out what is going on." Every success created by such an on-going attention to details will result in a stronger, more resilient sobriety -- probably just as much for him as for his sponsor! 

IV. Finally, the new man must always be seeking the advantages made possible by his spiritual progress. This is another area where, for example, although his step work has presented all sorts of good, new spiritual ideas, he neglects to "close the deal" by looking squarely at precisely those new ideas to find solutions to the matters he encounters in his new sober life. 

Any new AA who has accomplished step work with a sponsor is fully aware of the central part spiritual progress will play in successful sobriety. However, in many instances the observations of spiritual practices he may have seen in life outside AA might seem to be somewhat uninvolved when day to day matters arise. This may be an acceptable situation outside AA's vital program for alcoholics, but inside our program, it spells trouble. 

Throughout step work, the new member's sponsor has gone to great lengths to make certain that a"spiritual awakening" has become a material reality. His experiences in applying that spiritual awakening to the day to day affairs in his new sober life will very likely determine the success or failure of his long term recovery. 

AA is not simply another offering of psychology, self-help or snappy phrases. It is an on-going monument to what becomes possible when a mature spiritual development can be added to the otherwise dismal outlook of those who suffer from, well, what we suffer from. 

This process began in earnest when the task of step work was begun, but it will be completed when sponsor and sponsee sit down in the calmer prospects of sobriety to finally figure out how to work it. The topics of such meetings will no longer be comfortably theoretical. They will be forged from the fires of everyday living. 

The practice of AA's spiritual necessities in response to daily matters the new member will face after his struggle with alcohol has been left behind "will not be a theory." It will be these pointed challenges which will complete his understanding of precisely why we alcoholics consider spiritual solutions to be so absolutely vital. 

When "the rubber is hitting the road," he will finally have the opportunity to see issues which might have previously been considered theoretical become immediate and material. Likewise, perhaps with the help of his determined sponsor, he will see that AA's proposals for the spiritual solutions to such obstacles really do amount to the "only game in town." 

In matters concerning sobriety, such a proposition about the necessity of applying a developing spiritual advantage becomes absolutely clear for alcoholics, and, we suspect, it may be equally essential for everyone else, too. The point here is that by continuing to increase his understanding of AA's spiritual necessities by a frank application of such ideas to specific challenges he encounters in his sober life, this important realization will really be driven home. 

Isn't that exactly the warm greeting we often hear in our meetings when a new member finally makes it through the door? "Welcome home!" 

The solutions to such everyday challenges will be met by the remarkable partnership forged from the sponsor's experience and determination, optimism and the explosive energy of the new member's willingness and hope. 

Example Topics: 
Sponsorship Meetings After Step Work 

These suggestions are presented here more as examples rather than a list of concrete proposals. Sponsorship is always personal. That means that the discussions conducted in sponsorship meetings after step work has been accomplished will always arise from equally personal ideas. The concept of continuing sponsorship is not exclusively based on these proposals. It should always be based, instead, on what the new member brings to table at the on-going sponsorship meetings. 

Because just about every possible challenge in any AA's daily life arises in some fashion or other from our common malady, it's hard to think of anything which might be excluded as "irrelevant." Consider the following example questions: 

1. The "Laugh Check" 

This is a great opportunity to carefully examine how frequently and how heartily your sponsee has been laughing in the last few days. Surely, something hilarious has entered into his world, and we are convinced that a good laugh has great therapeutic value regardless of what else may be happening at the moment. 

Another consideration concerns the idea of cruelty. Thanks to our general spiritual malady, it seems that some sober AA's can only find humor or "comic relief" from cynical, sarcastic or downright cruel sorts of humor. 

2. What continues to "scare" you now? 

Of course the "fear card" was thoroughly handled in Step 4 inventory, but that was then -- this is now. Have new fears been revealed in sobriety? What are they? Why have they emerged now? It's almost always a great idea to discuss fears before they have a chance to start "turning the gears" in an alcoholic's thoughts. 

3. Is the old "self-absorption craziness" trying to start up once again? 

Yes, our Basic Text describes our crazy self-absorption as "selfishness," but we think the problem may be even worse than that! We have taken a good first shot at this alcoholic phenomenon during step work, but that hardly means that we have accomplished a permanent, lasting success with it. 

We could see the glaringly obvious problems we had with this matter during our alcoholic drinking, but that doesn't mean that we should not "keep up the fight" in our sobriety. A good place to start this effort will be to never allow these old alcoholic ideas to slip by unnoticed. 

When we notice them for what they are and trot them out for a good discussion with our sponsor, we are "keeping our side of the street" healthy and clean. 

4. Is your "waiting" based on thoughtful caution or fear? Have you really finished with the old "risk averse" nuttiness? 

Step work has fully illuminated the difference between "thoughtful caution" and the "paralyzing fear" during our drinking times. How could we expect that this same question will not arise during our sobriety? A great place to start such a discussion is with a list of things we are waiting to begin. The next question, of course, is "Why are we waiting?" 

Have we been procrastinating? Have we been exaggerating the challenges involved in routinely"taking care of business" in sobriety? Do we remember the awful mess we caused when this list of"responsibilities not even begun" grew to a nightmarish, unmanageable state? 

5. Are you ready to take a new look at your needs and what you're doing to meet them? 

Happiness and satisfaction in a sober life will still require that one meet his needs. Passively waiting for fate or destiny to simply "drop" such important things into your lap is probably not all that realistic. In fact, such an approach may be a "set up" orchestrated by our disease to reignite those old feelings of hopelessness in a sober alcoholic. Again. 

We can undertake the task of meeting our needs with the increased confidence that AA step work has equipped us with far better judgement and maturity, not to mention the greatly improved spiritual interest in not allowing our search for the necessities and goals in our lives to harm others. 

6. How are you continuing your "spiritual progress" after step work? 

The twelve steps may have been a penetrating "basic training" process designed to get our spiritual lives back into order, but has the process stopped there? Although perhaps a bit more abstract than our experiences in step work, spiritual growth must still continue in our day-today living in sobriety. 

This means that we should be able to clearly define precisely what action we are taking to make sure this happens and continues to happen. We should also be able to spell out in no uncertain terms exactly what sort of continuing spiritual work we intend to pursue next. 

What spiritual goals have we set for ourselves? How are we working to move ourselves toward a constant improvement in our spiritual condition? 

7. Do you allow discouragement and disappointments to grow toward spiritual hopelessness? 

It is a "given" that we had fallen deeply into a miserable hole of discouragement and disappointment during our alcoholic drinking, but we may as well accept the idea that similar situations may also arise during our sobriety. However, step work has taught us that it will not be the events in life which mark our success or failure in sobriety so much as how we handle them. 

As sober alcoholics we can handle discouragement, frustration and disappointment roughly just as well as any non-alcoholic. What we absolutely cannot handle is alcoholic hopelessness. 

The old addage says "While there is hope, there is a way." The saying also implies the opposite --"When there is no hope, there is no way." As sober alcoholics we have seen our own lives descend into alcoholic hopelessness where we found ourselves unable to take any action which might have improved our situation. 

This is a place no sober AA would willingly revisit. If such challenges are entering the sober life of the man in your sponsorship, it's time to talk! 

8. Are you taking the necessary "chances" to fulfill your relationship and sex needs? 

An astonishing number of young men in my own sponsorship are so terrified by the prospect of being rejected that they have essentially become "hermits in sobriety." It's no secret that healthy, happy human beings are simply not designed to live that way! There is no "vow of detachment or celibacy"included in any part of the AA recovery program. 

Mature spirituality will require that we meet our needs without recklessly causing harm to others. That might have been our pattern before we began to work on ourselves using the twelve steps, but our newly formed "recovery spirituality" targets a satisfying, successful life in all areas. 

This means that we will once again begin to "take chances" with new relationships, confident that our newly discovered "spirit" will be a constant companion regardless of the outcomes. Any reasonable man would be a little "gun shy" after the experience of trying this while the spiritual malady remained in charge of our thoughts and actions, but now -- in sobriety -- we really do have a second chance. 

An AA's "spiritual awakening" will provide the both new energy and improved optimistic thoughtfulness to, well, take that chance! 

Loneliness and frustration arising from simply "taking ourselves out of the picture" will not lead us to any destination where we want to go. 

9. Let's make a list of your good, close friends and your social life. Are you isolating? 

Believe it or not, having good friends can become just as theoretical as some forms of spiritual progress. Such a state can easily be revealed by taking a little "Friends Inventory." 

Having good, close friends means that there are other people in one's life with whom all sorts of things are shared. There are quick get togethers for coffee. There might be walks in the mountains with the dog. There are dinners to be shared -- even the most modest menu can become a glorious repast when the company is good! 

Have such affairs been happening in the daily life of your sponsee? If not, why not? Sobriety and recovery are intended to place all of us back into the main flow of life, not strand us in dim apartments watching television, dreaming and complaining that no one has called. 

Having good friends and a healthy social life is not a theory -- it means actually doing things with other people! 

10. Are you becoming a "grouch" or a "brainstorm?" 

A "grouch" doesn't like anything. A "brainstorm" knows everything. 

A quick look around any AA meeting will probably reveal at least one example of each style of "self-consuming" spiritual failure. Worse, such folks seem to attract others with similar outlooks, creating a "cloud of negativity" which seems to be lying in wait for the next new member who stumbles into it. 

Enough said. 

11. Let's take a close, frank look at your physical and mental health. 

We became experts at denial where matters concerning our alcoholism emerged, but have we adopted the same approach in sobriety to obvious difficulties with our physical and mental health? 

Successful sobriety will include being as physically and mentally healthy as possible. The restorative effects of sobriety and our recovery program are immense, but there may very well remain areas where actual doctors and medicine might be involved. 

Once the crazy destructiveness of out-of-control alcoholism has calmed, there are always the on-going matters of exercise, nutrition, enough sleep and water and so on. Friends don't let friends deny themselves the care they need. Friends also don't stand idly by while friends wait and wait and wait for things to improve. Sometimes things simply won't improve on their own at all -- sometimes that simply get worse and worse. 

Good, continuing sponsorship may include intervening where questionable denial, pride or thrift seem to be undercutting the care and respect for oneself which arose during step work. 

12. Is there a step you want to revisit, now that things have become a little calmer? 

Although AA's have widely varying ideas about repeating the steps after sobriety has had a chance to mature a bit, none of those opinions precludes revisiting specific step work in sobriety. Perhaps first and foremost, approaching such a task in a clearer, calmer, more reflective state of mind might be able to add valuable insights which can serve to make one's recovery even more complete, robust and durable. 

Just as was mentioned in the introduction here, the meaning of the solutions proposed by our steps hasn't changed in sobriety, but the arena where such solutions can be applied to the affairs of day-to-day sober living may have! 

New challenges may have presented themselves. Certainly, an AA's experience at applying the ideas of specific steps has been greatly increased. Learning to use the tools in the tool box hardly means only using them once or only using them for a single project! 

Conclusions

If you, as a sponsor, have "pulled away" from your "sponsorship project" once step work has been accomplished, reconsider your original commitment. Approach the man in your sponsorship and suggest some continuing meetings to possibly help him "fine tune" some more of the aspects of his sobriety!